Daily Entery 1: 2014

The last blog I've posted was in 2010. That's been awhile I think I'm just going to do this again just to get my head out here. My tumblr is a little too public for all of my feelings but either way I'm going to write here too.

So, in 2010 I was just in the process of my first semester in college. Well, now that it's 2014. I'm still in school. I'm not even sure if I'm almost done. Most likely not because I've been too focused on school work for being a music major. I honestly didn't think music would take everything that I had. All my time and energy went towards music for the school. I had little time for my own music but the classes did help me to improve on my performance and writing skills. I've been studying music now for the last 2  years. I must say, it's been hard. Music takes so much energy and discipline I never thought it would take this much. But I worked as much as I could. Never knowing exactly what it took to be a music major I went through it.

Though music is almost the only thing that make me happy, I found love in photography as well. But unlike music, I don't want to take classes to become a photographer. I don't plan on changing my major to photography. My plan is to learn online and through books. Most of my photographer friends taught themselves how to work the camera. Either way, I don't think I'm set out to do one thing in my life. God has a purpose for me and all I can do is do all things through him. But pf course life happens and I'm trying to trust in God. That's all I need to do anyways.

Thanks for reading. I hope I have more interesting things to read about in the near future.

Lyn.

update on life

So here's an update on what's happening in my life ef lol. but here's the thing, lately i've been acting really stupid having all these stupid thoughts about hurting myself again. Honestly I really want to be done with that but sometimes it's not gonna go away as much as I want it to. There are many people who's gonna feel lost and alone and no one can really help it. Everyone goes through all these tests to see how strong they are until life ends and something else happens. We're all taught to live each day as if it's your last. Learn from your mistakes and blah blah blah. Know one knows when they are gonna die. Why prepare as if you are the next day. Just live your life how you want it to be. No cautions or regrets. you'll have time to think everything that you've done through.

I was sitting in this event in UCR it was something for avid i wasn't really happy about it. Just the fact i thought I shouldn't be there. The gym was filled with so many people who thinks that they;ll really be somewhere in life. The majority of the people there had their life planned out. I had no idea what I wanted to do. To be honest I still kinda don't.

Some days later I got accepted to a university and decided to major in psychology and minor in music. I never thought that I would have a plan again. Oh well everything happens for a reason no matter how you might think it's over.

I really thought that only the lucky ones get all the joy. A friend of mine told me his way of life which I don't agree a hundred percent. He believes that happiness does not exist. I would agree with him but the fact is everyone can't be sad or mad forever. There has to be one time even for a second someone doesn't feel pain. If there's only pain and sorrow than pain wouldn't exist. One can't live without the other. At least that's what I think. Everyone tries so hard to be happy and work on their pride and ego what's it really about? For the ones who go through so many struggles in life i applaud to you. You are strong in so many ways. You know that there will be harder tests but you know that you will pass. Keep in mind that people needs a little push now and then. It feels good knowing that you passed the test and be really happy for who you are.

I'll be okay no matter how many times I won't stay

Through everything that I've been through

I won't give up and start a new

Past Relationships

Most of the time when it comes to saying it's over you need to say it
Everything that I feel hasn't changed and knowing that hurts what we have,
a really good friendship.
You've already told me how we grew apart
but for some reason how you talk to me it's the same as we met
The little inside jokes and memories that has passed needs to go away

I can't go on liike this anymore
I've tried so hard to just imagine that we are friends
I know for a fact is gonna take awhile to get over all this
it's been a year since we've gone our seperate ways

there has to be another way to just let things go and stay friends
I don't want to lose you in any way
I'd rather have you in my life than nothing at all
there's no point in anything like that

You make me smile everytime i talk to you
I forget why i'm upset just cuz you tell me to
I wake up in the middle of night thinking of you
but I need to let you go

I never thought I would find someone like you
smart and weird
funny and talented
random and trust worthy
mean but cute

Something about you makes me feel safe and I can be myself
I can't explain why it's you but i wanted to find out
I can't stay away from you but i need to
I don't want to lose you but you're already gone
Maybe I'll find a way to let all of this go

Thank you for being the reason why I was happy

Friend Zone part 2

I'm trying my best to think a good way to just let all of this go. I kind of hate "the friend zone" thing. Is there really a point to having a relationship? Everytime I think about it, I want to be a nun. I've always wanted to be a nun when I was 15. I never thought I would totally look into it. Some people think the only reason why I want to be a nun is because guys kind of ruin my life. True they do (just kidding) but really there's only one love that I know that will never go away. That's the love of God. Love of a friend and family a lover that's all God. I want to give my whole love to the one who gave me reason to live and love others. There is no greater love than God's love. I never really want to have to search for another type of love.

There are so many questions though not everything will be answered. Maybe someting will happen in the end but it's all in God's hands. I choose the path that God has showed me to. Obviously I won't know when will that be but I'm pretty sure he's got something. I'll understand that everything does happen for a reason. Despite all the weird things that happen everyday. Why don't I just let it go? Everything will be fine right?

I was really close in letting my head get in the way of what I love to do best. I perform. That's what I do best. I wanted to get away from my friend so I wouldn't feel stupid but leaving him with no explaination would be stupid. I wanted to perform because I wanted to for me and no one else. I was stupid enough to convince myself that I did it for him. When things happen like that to me, I know I'm lossing it and he's not worth it. He's totally worth it as a good friend though. Scratch the drama with the other people. It's me and him and the music all the way. I like to keep certain friends and he's one of them.

The Friend Zone

ok so I have this really good friend and he's amazing. We've been friends since sophomore year and I never really thought I would start liking him. Yeah it's one of those, falling for your best friend things but what can you do? Honestly I hate it. I fought it for about a couple months then caved in. Not like I told him or anything but it felt really weird for me to just talk to him and not feel okay. Don't get me wrong or anything he makes me feel really great. Anytime I needed someone yeah he'd be there to listen. . . even though I chose not to go to him for everything. I did that once with one guy but that was a mistake. Not really but it's another story. Anyways, when it comes to close friends and liking them, don't do anything. I think that's what really messes you up. For one, you feel weird and might think there's an actual possibility that you guys can be more than friends.

Some friends do make it farther than the friend zone it's like it's the lucky ones that really get it. But the thing is you'd never know that right? Cuz YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN! I hate that line. Especially to the people who hates taking chances. Just because they're scared of getting hurt. Well duh people are bound to get hurt no matter how many times you avoid the impossible.

For me I got really tired of putting my heart inside of the wall. It's like I'm letting the people who are really worth it out and the stupid ones in. That makes me stupid right? But the thing is when the right one maybe not forever but a nice guy that comes along, I let them in but it messes everything up. It's always on the friend zone. I don't mind it at all. Friends come and go. But the people who are worth holding on to are the ones who never leave you.

There's nothing wrong with liking your close friend. Just make sure that whatever it is you're risking worth it. I made a mistake for letting myself liking my friend. Yet we're still friends and I'm just letting things happen. I'm not going to attempt anything that I'll regret. What for? He's special enough to me as a friend.

Time

seems to me everytime i feel weird about my life it's the right time to write out what's up. I love my british lit class. I learn something new everyday. Dr. Mikulics is the best teacher I've ever had. He makes me want to learn more about english writing. There's so many thing you can learn. As much as I hate reading, everything is interesting. When it comes to knowing about life and love it's really nice to hear things like that.

I don't know maybe on day when I get out of my sad phase, I'll wake up from this nightmare and major in English and teach it in high school. I've always wanted to be a teacher when I was growing up. Maybe that's what I'll be. But as of right now I seriously don't know what I want in life. Nothing is set in stone that's how I see it. Everyone has their way in choosing things maybe not now but they will sooner or later. I guess I choose later.

Being a senior in high school, I hear it from everyone, i go accepted here and there, I got this scholarship, I'm going to do this then this. . . yeah it get's annoying after a little while. The only reason why I think I'm really irritated is because of jealousy. Everyone has a plan but me. Most of my friends know where they're heading. I have to sit here and think and think yet I still can't find a reason to say I really know what I'm going to do. I would always think why can't I just pick something in random and if I don't like it, then I'll just change it. That's simple right? I don't want to waste my time and money for something I don't know. I'd rather be sure than no sure at all. What's the point of that really.

I tried everything that I kind off wanted to try while I was here in high school. I liked most of it and didn't. The most important thing is that I tried. I looked out for options and I made them work out for me. Why can't I do that for college? Why do I feel like time is going so fast and if I'm not moving with it I'll be left behind? Can't I just make time and that'll be it? Is it possible to just make everything your own? What will you gain from out of this life? That's all what it takes.

People?

It's been a couple days without my family and it's okay and all but I still miss them. Yeah it's weird i guess if you think that way. I've been always been with my famiy and it never really affected me i guess. Most of the time I'm alone in my room. Not because I want to be totally far away from them but really to avoid any conflicts between me and my family. For awhile it seems to me that we always bicker and what not just because most of us has short tempers. Not really our fault but it's just how we are. My family went to Big Bear with their friends and I stayed home because I had to go to a swim meet on that friday they left. Personally I don't like snowboarding. My body was sore enough from swim practice but other than that, everytime i'm with my parent's friends and them, it's like I really don't belong. Age difference can be one of the main factors of why I feel so out of place. The other reason why, I just wanted to swim my meet. I finally took it to mind that I can be lonely everyday. Even though there are so many people around me it's like there's no one who really understands. I mean they can for awhile but only for that time. Later on they can get tired of it and just drop it. Who am i to stop them? I get tired of people who are around me all the time. I need space and I'm pretty sure they do too.

Don't get me wrong I like the company of my friends and family. I wouldn't be who I am if they didn't push me intop anything that I really wanted to do. That goes for my music and dance and pretty much anything. I didn't know I was going to be kinda far with my music. Honestly I thoiught I was just going to sing and that's it. Nope now it comes to piano, guitar, and dancing. I never thought anything like this would come to mind. Anyways, I keep saying that I'm going to feel better and be different from now on. seriously I can't even know how to change and never come back. I mean really knowing me, I change for a day or two then come back to my normal self. Who always seems to be mad about life, and thinks that nothing good is going to happen.

People around me always seem to affect me either way, good or bad. I prefer good over bad but the thing is bad things happen and no matter what. No one can control that and the weak ones always conquer it. Then they become the strong. But the point is THE ONLY THING THAT CAN AFFECT YOU AS A PERSON IS YOURSELF.